Haku's going to find out, one way or the other
by Topology no jutsu
Summary: Your name is Haku Yuki and if you can manage to not kill Hinata before Naruto gets back, that'll be a victory all in itself. Side story for the Lord of Time from Haku's perspective about what goes on for the time Naruto's away. Chapter 12 will be the epilogue of both this story and the Lord of Time.
1. Chapter 1

"So, when was I going to find out Naruto was gone on a mission" if you had to describe how this situation made you feel, angry was a good one.

"I was hoping when he came back" Hinata looked like a cornered animal to you, mostly because you had her very cornered. "And he did try and tell you, you just fell asleep instead remember?"

"Oh so you just, choose to not mention it for the past few days why?" sure that was on you, but it was a full three days since he'd left.

"I, um, forgot?"

"You forgot, that guy you've been transforming into to trick me for the past few days, was gone?"

"When you put it like that, I seem like a very forgetful person."

"Or a really bad liar, and I know one of this a lie."

"Ok fine, yes I didn't want to tell you because I thought you'd be mad at me. Clearly, I was right!"

You scoff, trying to sound offended by her comment even if it's true. If she'd done it sooner you wouldn't have gotten mad; or even if she had just let you find out yourself instead of lying. You'd be even less mad if the two of you hadn't almost just, done the deed.

"How have you been in this relationship for this long, and you don't know what a limit point is?" this was what gave away her clever ruse.

"I'm not a goddamn analysist!" now Hinata was sounding kind of indignant about all this. "Why the hell do you know what that is? Why is that something you say as dirty talk?"

"If you knew Naruto you'd understand, it's what gets him going" it was sad but true.

"First off, I'm so upset to learn this fact, and secondly, I do know him! Weird math based dirty talk has just never come up!"

"How were you planning on seducing him? Flashing him and hoping for the best?"

"How can you make that sound like it's the weird thing to do? That's like, a normal way to start, the sex."

"Oh really? I am I talking to an expert on 'the sex?'" you use air quotes to mock her terminology.

"Am I? I've heard about Zabuza's cock blocking."

"DAMMIT WHO TOLD YOU" you didn't want her knowing you were equals in this sense.

"WHO DO YOU THINK?"

"GAARA?" you turn to him, you'd trusted him.

"I was merely trying to provide as much assistance as possible and it seemed like helpful information at the time" god dammit Gaara.

"How was that useful at the time exactly?"

"Hinata was concerned with her ability to keep up with a 'sexually experience' individual such as yourself. So I put her worries at ease with this information."

"Of course you did" you honestly don't know what you were expecting to hear.

"I can level the field if you'd like by revealing a personal secret of Hinata's?" now Gaara was talking.

"WHAT NO DON'T DO THAT" Hinata was fighting against his sand to try and plug his mouth.

"YES DO THAT" you are a gossipy bitch first.

"Hinata has expressed –hmpf" somehow she managed to get through the sand and shove her whole hand into his mouth.

"I HAVE EXPRESSED NOTHING, EVER" she was clearly very embarrassed about this secret, you had to know it.

"IT'S ONLY FAIR" you put her into a full nelson, pulling her hand out of Gaara's mouth.

"As I was saying" Gaara, to his credit, was almost entirely unfazed by her hand having been in his mouth. "Hinata has expressed concerns of the appearance of her behind being up to par with your own."

"Her what?" you're so confused by this your hold on her loosens enough for her to break free.

"Thank god you don't understand words that well" Hianta looked incredibly relieved.

"Oh was it unclear?" Gaara pulled out a notepad and read from it. "To directly quote you, 'Haku's ass is rounder than mine, and I know for a fact Naruto is as an ass man' end quote."

You can't control your laughter, partially due to hearing Gaara say that and Hinata's mortified expression. You crumple to the ground a cackling mess.

"Gaara, why do you have a notebook full of secret's I've told you?"

"Oh I always take notes when friends come to me for help, here's one from Naruto" he flips some pages. "Begin quote, 'Everyone says it's weird how my dreams involve so much math, but I don't think it's that weird. I admit it's weird the reaction my body has to it, but that's out of my control.' End quote."

"Ok what else have you got in there keep them coming" you're angry from moments ago completely forgotten in the face of this treasure trove.

"Do another Haku one next, to keep it fair" Hinata shoots you a dirty look to stop your protests.

"Fine yeah read one from me" you roll your eyes at her.

"Begin quote, 'Not too sound like a massive slut, but Naruto needs to hurry it the hell up and hit this already.' End quote."

"Ok I know for a fact I never said that" you try and save some dignity.

"Technically no, this was in one of the books you gave me to read, based off what I've learned it was about a week into you two dating."

"Wow, a whole week" Hinata 'Slut shame' Hyuuga apparently.

"Don't slut shame me, you didn't wear any underwear cause you thought he was going to pipe you on the first date."

"YOU TOLD ME NOT TO" her face was now bright red.

"I'm sorry, pipe?" Gaara's lack of slang knowledge was really a gift.

"It means get dicked down, which means get boned, which mean having 'the sex'" you say it again to mock her once more.

"Ah" Gaara made the 'ah' of not knowing but also not caring.

"You're the one who's constantly making it about sex between us all" Hinata was pointing and accusative finger at you now.

"Whoa, whoa, slow down there" you won't take this bold faced lie standing up. "You're the one who day one asked who'd get to fuck him first."

"I did not!"

"You did so!"

"See, this is why the notebook is helpful" Gaara was either selling those things, or just not picking up the vibe of the conversation.

"Yeah I think having it written down all the times Haku called me a 'Man stealing whore' would be very helpful here."

"First off, I never said man stealing, I said 'Wannabe man stealing whore.' There was no way you were gonna steal Naruto from me."

"Really? Cause last time I check I'm currently the most recently dated one here" oh she was pulling that card.

"Only because he felt bad after you sob story" if she was going to play dirty so were you. "Or did you miss the part where he knew so little about you he couldn't even set up the date alone?"

"Oh like your date was better? Didn't you go see a porn film?"

"Yeah and then we had a romantic dance among fire-flies under a beautiful sky and he told me he loves me, so boom better date" yeah you dropped the love card.

"Yeah, well, he has weird visions where I and he are married so, I think that's pretty telling about our future."

"Yeah and y'all name a kid Boruto and have a shit marriage he's told me all about it" she thought she had the upper hand here, the fool.

"Well, those visions inspired him to care more and be a better boyfriend to me so, some Borutos need to be sacrificed."

"That's cold, that's your future child."

"Hopefully not, I'm not raising a kid named Boruto."

"Amen Sister" you exchange a high-five with her.

"Also we totally smashed on my date with him I just didn't want to say" she says this and then quickly runs out of the room.

"YOU WHAT" your very dignified reply leaves you a bit frozen in place.

"So, should I put in my notes that you two made up or that you are now worse friends?" Gaara was diligently writing all this down.

"You can put down, Hinata Hyuuga: Time of death five fifty-six" you run after her, intent on either finding out this was a lie, or killing Hinata.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hinata get off the roof before I come up there" your chase had ended like this.

"Are you going to attack me if I come down?" she had no trust in you.

"Why would you even say that, come on, we share a boyfriend" you do your best to assure her while keeping the various knives you were holding hidden.

"Maybe, just maybe, because you chased me around the house yelling you were going to kill me for about twenty minutes" ok, that may have happened sure, but that was the past.

"That was past Haku, this is present Haku, I've changed, grown as a person" you give your most convincing smile.

"Not buying that at all, I live up here now" for a girl with x-ray vision she did not use it often to check for hidden weapons.

"THEN I'M COMING UP" You ice mirror up to the roof ready to drop her.

"SEE, I KNEW YOU WERE LYING" she dodges your initial attack. "WHY ARE YOU SO MAD, YOU TOLD ME IT WAS FINE."

"I WAS LYING" you swipe at her with a kunai to get the point across.

"THEN WHY SAY IT, HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY" she was frantically ducking and weaving out of the way.

"YOU IMPERSONATED NARUTO FOR THREE DAYS, DON'T TRY AND TAKE THE HIGH GROUND ON ME" you sweep her feet and pin her to the roof.

"I think the two of you have a beautiful relationship" Gaara was floating on some sand taking notes again.

"NOT NOW GAARA" you both shout at him.

"Working through your issues in a mutual and healthy way is a good indicator of a healthy relationship is all I'm trying to say" how was he so dense.

"We do not have a relationship, we have adjacent relationships" you want to make it clear you're not dating Hinata.

"Yeah, wait, what?" Hianta apparently disagreed. "I thought we were all dating, like a triangle type thing."

"I'm gay, why would we be dating?" you unpin her, distracted by this new topic.

"We've kissed! Like many times, you've touched my boobs!"

"BY ACCIDENT, I was still mostly asleep, I'd touch Gaara's boobs like that" you try and save face.

"Perhaps the two of you should consider what your relationship actually is?" great now it was couples counseling with Gaara.

"I think we have a mutual understanding of each other's love for Naruto and lesser sense of affection for each other" wow look at Hinata, busting out the big words.

"And I think you're wrong and dumb for thinking that" you, of course, state an equally intelligent reply.

"Hinata, what do you feel for Haku exactly?" Gaara was really getting into his role.

"Haku took me into his home and life when I was alone, sure we had some bumps, a lot of bumps, but we're still here and I care for him" Hinata was actually saying kind of heartfelt things.

"And Haku, what do you feel for Hinata?"

"She's a hoe."

"Do you wish to elaborate on that?" Gaara was really trying.

"She's a walking sob story and I took her in because I felt bad for her, we both love Naruto but that's it for or similarities, and she's a hoe" you feel this is an equally heartfelt reply.

"So you pity her?"

"No I don't pity her, I mean, I guess I do sometimes" she did have a lot of sob stories.

"So you think you're better than me?" Hinata clearly didn't like that.

"I mean, duh, like you said, my ass is rounder. Doesn't take a detective ninja to put this puzzle together."

"Oh yeah? What exactly does the puzzle show then?"

"Naruto and Haku together forever, and Hinata alone with her thirty cats."

"Are you just, upset that Naruto likes me too? Can you really not control your ego enough to get over that?"

"Likes you? He literally is pity dating you, because I told him to, and you have the arrogance to have pity sex with him."

"Is it really pity dating if he's showing how much he does care and wants to learn more about me?"

"Is it really pity dating if he's showing how much he does care and wants to learn more about me?" you repeat it but in a mocking tone.

"Oh grow up, I thought we'd gotten past this but apparently I was wrong" Hinata was clearly getting very fed up with you and your antics.

"You're the one getting too big for your britches, making moves on my man like your hot shit. Newsflash, you're not hot anything."

"Oh real mature, I'll remember than next time I wake up to you grinding on me, with that, oh what's the word for it, right, micropenis" oh she did not just say that.

"Wanna run that one by me again?" you wanted to see if she had the gall to say it again.

"I said, you have a micropenis" she looked you dead in the eyes while saying it.

"How. Dare. You"

"Very easily" oh she had the gall alright.

"First off, I do not have a micropenis, I have a normal sized penis it just has to be erect."

"I hear people who look up the normal size of a penis have way smaller than normal dicks" she'd set you up for this one.

"You are, straddling the line of me attacking you right now."

"Wow, one joke about your small dick and you're ready to blow? Bet you're even worse in bed."

"I think you two should stop before anymore feelings are hurt" Gaara was really trying his best here, but it was too late.

"No I think you're right Gaara, this is an important thing to have between the two of us, open communication" you pace a bit to prep your next comment. "If I'm honest I don't even know why you like Naruto, what with your mountain of Mommy and Daddy issues."

"My mom fucking died you asshole" Hinata definitely didn't like that comment.

"Oh boohoo join the club, my dad killed my mom and then I killed my dad" you can out sob story this rich girl in a heartbeat.

"Oh, I'm" she looked really lost now.

"Yeah, and then I was fucking garbage on the street. I was waiting for someone to take the effort to put me out of my misery. Instead I got taken in by a ruthless killing machine and turned into a fucking weapon."

"Haku you don't have to say this if it hurts" she looked so concerned for you.

"YES I DO, Naruto is the best thing in my life, he's the only thing in my life" you can feel your tears. "I can never give him a family, and you can and it hurts. I want to be with him and make him happy, but I can't even give him what he's always wanted."

She pulls you into a hug. You cry into her shoulder as you hug her back. Gaara pats you on the back very awkwardly.

"What if he" Hinata stops your line of thinking by tightening the hug.

"He wouldn't" her words resonate in you for some reason.

"Not to, kill the moment, but do we have to be on the roof still?" Gaara, as masterful as always.

"Come on, we can go inside and eat some ice cream" Hinata gently lead you to Gaara's sand lift.

"I'm, I'm sorry for what I said earlier, I care about you too Hinata" you felt bad about it now.

"I know, but you still have a small dick I wasn't lying before" wow, she really didn't pull punches.

"Yeah and you have daddy issues" you climb on to the lift with them both.

"And mommy issues, can't forget those" she smiles at you.

"Yeah but I have daddy issues too so I can at least relate to you there" you smile back, maybe, you two could get along without Naruto there to mediate.

"I'm glad I could help you two on this emotional journey" Gaara was the glue holding this shitty family together.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Boom, new chapter, let's fucking go baby.

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"Remember, this is a bonding exercise not a harm exercise" Gaara was mediating another shared therapy session. "And I am enforcing the no weapons rule this time so please just make it easy and drop all the weapons ahead of time."

"Drop all your weapons ahead of time" you and Hinata repeated this in a mocking tone together as you complied.

"While the tone was hurtful, I appreciate it."

"Is this about the egg salad fiasco or are we just having one of these everyday now?" you want to know how often this would be a regular event in your life.

"As I've said before, a consistent and regular amount of sessions like these would be really good for you both."

"It's about the egg salad fiasco" Hinata was good at reading him.

"Yes. Today it as about that event."

"I already apologized about it so why do we need to do this?" you really didn't want to have to be here for this.

"Because I'd like to be able to eat my lunch without it getting destroyed by a fight I'm not a part of" ok Gaara had a good point there.

"What if we just promise to only fight outside?" Hinata had a very easy and simple solution right there.

"No, we're getting to the heart of the issue and dealing with it from there, this is the healthier method."

"I kinda like her plan actually, can't we just vote on it?"

"Yeah two to one, outside only seems like the plan."

"No, that is a non-sustainable solution to this problem."

"If therapy fails we use the outside rule?"

"Well now I just feel like you two aren't even going to give this a fair try" he was onto your plan dammit. "Please just try."

"Fine" you roll your eyes and sit on the couch.

"For the egg salad" Hinata sat in a chair opposite the couch.

"Thank you both, I appreciate it" Gaara sat on some sand in between you two. "Now, to start can you tell me what sparked that fight?"

"My hairbrush was missing and I asked Hinata if she'd seen it and she said no, but then I found it in her room" you start the explanation.

"Is this true Hinata?"

"Yes…"

"Why did you take his brush without asking and then lie about it?"

"Well, my hairbrush is broken because Kiba used it to brush Akamaru and snapped the handle off, and I didn't want to buy a new one so I just grabbed Hakus. I thought you'd be mad if you knew I'd taken it and hadn't put it back yet so I lied."

"And this lie caused the fight?" Gaara didn't see how this could escalate to a fight.

"Not quite" now it was your turn to come clean. "After I found my brush I decided to retaliate, so I took a bunch of random stuff from Hinatas side of the room and hide it. Including a necklace from her mom."

"I see, two wrongs don't make a right Haku."

"Oh shut it I know that I just wanted to get even ok" was he really gonna spout that baby philosophy at you.

"So this caused the fight?"

"Well…." Hinata looked a little sheepish as she started her next explanation. "After I noticed my things were missing I started to panic, the necklace is the only thing I have to remember my mom by. So I tore apart the room looking for it, in the process I accidentally tore Hakus favorite kimono."

"So this?"

"Nope, after that Hinata tried to hide said kimono till she could fix it without me noticing. But I needed it to wear later that day so coming into the room and seeing it torn up and my kimono missing I started to panic. I found it because Hinata is bad at hiding things and got very mad since I thought she did it on purpose."

"So the-" Gaara, poor sweet Gaara, had no idea the mess he was digging into.

"Then Haku, in retaliation for this, wore my mom's necklace to work, where it got stolen because he took it off for some reason."

"I didn't want to get it dirty while I cleaned the stores attic how was I sup-" you try to interject.

"And then the necklace got stolen. To cover this up Haku bought a random other necklace and gave it to me to try and apologize for getting the original stolen. Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"I was planning to do it in a mean way since I was still kinda mad about the whole kimono thing. I won't go into details there if that's ok?"

"Yeah I think we can skip that part too."

"Really?"

"We both said some very hurtful words."

"Very hurtful."

"Well, carry on then?"

"So then when Haku pulled out the new necklace I was at first kinda shocked in a good way since I thought it was a kind gesture masked by a mean one. Only then he explained what happened to the original."

"This caused the initial incident, you may have heard the scream while you prepared your salad in the kitchen."

"I did in fact hear it."

"Yeah so I screamed really loud out of anger and punched Haku really hard."

"Like really really hard, I have a bruise there still."

"Then the fight broke out."

"And I know the rest from there yes" Gaara was now fully caught up on the asinine nature of the conflict.

"Now what?" you didn't feel any more healed then you were before.

"Now we, well normally, we'd talk about why you both did what you did. But I think we can skip that step."

"Cool cool" you liked skipping steps.

"So do we sing a song together now?" Hinata had no idea about the healing process clearly.

"No, we now look back at the causes and discuss ways to handle them in better ways. Let's start with the hairbrush for now. What could you have done to prevent the fallout that came from the hairbrush taking Hinata?"

"Well, I suppose I could have asked first?"

"Would that have prevented this Haku?"

"No way, I don't want her using my brush on her hair, the oil transfer would kill my hair."

"How would you handle that comment Hinata?"

"I'd just steal the brush in secret and use it."

"Really."

"I mean yeah, I'm not buying a new one for a dumb reason like that."

"PROPER HAIRCARE IS NOT DUMB" you get instantly heated about this.

"It is when you're a bitch about it, like right now, pussy boy."

"OH YOU DID NOT JUST, DID YOU HEAR HER? SHE IS LITERALLY INSTIGATING WITH ME ABOUT A HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO."

"Hinata please don't use that kind of language in our sessions."

"Why not?"

"It's rude and mean spirited."

"Fine" she rolled her eyes at him.

"Ok, now Haku, let's go to the hairbrush finding, what could you have done differently?"

"Thrown the brush out and bought a new one since it was useless to me at that point anyways."

"Why throw it out? Just so I couldn't use it?"

"Yeah you fucking stole it from me, you get no reward for being a thieving whore."

"OH OK, SO IT'S ABOUT THAT?"

"Haku please, that's on our list of banned words, Hinata has respected the list I ask you do to the same."

"I'd like to appeal since thieving whore and man-stealing whore are different insults."

"The spirit behind them is the same so no, you may not appeal."

"Fine, big ass forehead bitch."

"Please don't make fun of my forehead."

"Oh, why not, it's prime billboard space" Hinata was now ganging up on him.

"Ha yeah it is, big forehead loser idiot."

"I think it's a better idea if you two just fight outside from now on" Gaara was on the verge of tears as he said this.

"HELL YEAH LET'S GO KILL EACHOTHER OUTSIDE" Haku tackled Hinata out the door.

"It's not that big" Gaara was now crying to himself as he looked in the mirror.


	4. Chapter 4

"Haku" oh this wasn't a good tone from Hinata. "Why have I found fifty two letters addressed to me in the garbage?"

"Oh that" you thought it was something serious. "It's all mail from your dad so I've just been tossing it."

"And you didn't tell me about all this mail because?"

"Don't you hate your dad? Wouldn't that just be a waste of all our times?"

"And if they were about something important that I might need to see?"

"Oh don't worry they're not, I read the first twenty and they all say the same shit, that's when I started just tossing them."

"You opened and read mail that was addressed to me?"

"Only twenty of it."

"Haku."

"Yes?"

"At no point did it occur to you that I might have an issue with that?"

"It did yeah."

"But you kept doing it?"

"I got over it."

"You got over it?"

"Yeah I had some guilt about it a while ago, but I realized I was doing the right thing and got over it. You're welcome."

"Oh boy" she took a deep breath. "First of all, no, I am not welcome. Why the hell would you ever think it was fine to just not tell me about this? Secondly, you can't just get over guilt for doing something very wrong and then keep doing that very wrong thing."

"Oh come on, would you not do the same for me if our situations were switched?"

"No! I wouldn't! Because it's wrong!"

"Oh I see, taking the high road on me all of a sudden" you know you're completely in the wrong right now, but fuck her. "I know you're just as nosy a bitch as me and would do the same thing."

"We are not changing topics right now, we're still discussing this."

"Why does it matter? I threw your mail out, yeah you got me, and I also forgot to empty that trashcan. Two wrongs have now made a right and you have the mail."

"There is no way in hell you think that is any kind of correct right? Because that is super not how this works."

"Fine, I'm also sorry for doing all that."

"That's actually the right response, wow."

"What?"

"You're apologizing, to me, with minimal coercing" she didn't have to sound so surprised.

"I can be nice when I choose to be" you reply indignantly.

"I'm just not used to it, you aren't hiding anything much worse are you?"

"What?" you might be but like, how dare she. "How dare you assume the worst of me."

"You're right, you've acted like a responsible person and I will too, I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"So, since this was handled much faster than expected, wanna read them with me?"

"Sure, I've got nothing better to do!"

"Great" she sat down on one of the counters stools. "Let's do newest to oldest."

"Sounds like a plan" maybe in the newer ones he'd use fancier language to call you and Naruto sinful whores.

She cracked open the first letter and began reading it aloud.

"Dear Daughter, wow not even my name, due to a lack of reply from to my previous letters I will be forced to take a different approach" she was doing her best to mimic his voice. "I have spoken with the council and they have convinced me that you are too big a risk to let loose."

You both exchange a look. Those weren't exactly good words to be put in a letter.

"Members of the clan will be sent to collect you, I ask you comply and make this process as painless as possible. Once all of these matters are taken care of you may return to that den of lust you now call a home. Now Haku, this doesn't sound very good."

"Maybe I should've kept reading them after all" you may have fucked up just a little.

"To beat a dead horse, YOU COULD HAVE JUST GIVEN ME MY MAIL" she was in the right once again. "SHIT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"

"What do you mean? Why not just go do whatever and then we all can chill?"

"NOPE NOT DOING THAT."

"WHY NOT?"

"WHY AM I NOT GOING TO LET MY FATHER FORCE ME INTO FAMILAL SLAVERY?"

"OH RIGHT" you forgot they did that.

"YEAH OH RIGHT."

"Well, Zabuza had a saying for problems like this" you go into the kitchen cabinet you keep spare throwing needles. "Just kill them."

"I'm not going to kill the people who are probably also slave to the family that are being sent to drag me away."

"Well, fine" you put the needles down. "Then what do you vote we do?"

"We could hide somewhere?" Hinata hadn't thought that one through.

"Where is this somewhere? And don't say either of your weird friends' houses."

"Ok first of all I wasn't going to suggest either of them, but fuck I don't know!"

The discussion came to a halt as the doorbell rang. You and her exchanged a look, you were probably fuck deep in the shit now.

"I'll get it" Gaara called out from the other room.

"NO" you both yell but his sand was way too fast.

"Fine I'll just go home" you both let out a huge breath to the sight of Sasuke.

"No you can stay, we thought you were, it's a long story" you don't feel like getting into it right now.

"Uh huh, I came over to ask if anyone wanted to spar, but you all seem kinda busy so I'll just skedaddle."

"Wait" Hinata looked at you real fast. "Can we hide out at your place for a bit?'

"Why?"

"We can explain once we get there?"

"Sure?" Sasuke luckily didn't seem to give too much of a shit about your vagueness.

"Let's go!" you grab Hinata and Gaara before running out after Sasuke.

After some high quality creepin and sneakin you make it to the Uchiha compound undetected. The place was huge and exactly the last spot they'd come to looking for Hinata. After getting there you fill him in on all the details.

"Wait, that's like, supremely fucked" Sasuke was firmly on the side of familial slavery being wrong.

"So we can hide out here for a few days?" Hinata was constantly looking around with her special eyes.

"Yeah sure, I'm not exactly short on space."

"Why is the whole compound empty?" Gaara no, don't ask that.

"My whole family died" oh now it was real sad Sasuke hours, thanks Gaara.

"Oh" yeah just say oh you dipshit.

"So about that sparring?" Hinata tried to shift the mood to a more Sasuke positive topic.

"Maybe later I'm gonna go cry for a bit" well, at least he was honest about his emotions.

"Well, Gaara you have lost your asking questions privilege for the duration of our stay here" you give him a look.

"How was I supposed to know that? I'm from the desert."

"Fine, one more strike and you're done asking questions."

"Thank you."


	5. Chapter 5

"Look, we've been hiding out at Sasuke's for a week now, I feel like we have to do something else" you were going to lose your mind if you had to hear Sasuke cry during the night again.

"Well what exactly are we going to do?" Hinata also was at her limit. "I'm sure their staking out the house at this point."

"So, we just, sneak by?" you knew it'd be hard to do that since, they were a clan of people with x-ray vision.

"Even if we sneak by they'll just be able to see us inside the place."

"Now, this isn't a question" Gaara gave you a look as you prepared to shush him. "Why don't we just kill them?"

"That was literally a question, and I thought we talked about the whole murder being bad Gaara."

"It was a suggestion, and yea sure it's bad, but so is slavery but no one seems to care about that here."

"We can't just kill them, they might be from the branch side and then we're just killing the people who are oppressed."

"Ok, new suggestion: We tell them we want to end this bullshit slavery and they help us kill the oppressive upper class."

"Again, murder is bad Gaara. The idea stays on the table though since we have no better ones."

"Thank you for accepting my suggestion."

"Look, we can't just murder my family you two. Beat into submission is on the table though."

You and Gaara exchange a look. Murder is on the table.

"Just appeal to the Hokage for sanctuary privileges, it makes you basically untouchable" Sasuke had apparently been eavesdropping.

"Is that a thing I can do?" Hinata had seemingly never heard of that.

"I mean, I've done it?"

"Why?"

"Sometimes I just like to make use of my being head of a clan privileges okay."

"So I can't do it then, cool."

"Well, if your whole family dies then you can" Gaara no, not in front of Sasuke.

"I mean, if you're disowned you're technically your own clan right?" Sasuke had thankfully chosen to ignore Gaara.

"There's no way that's how it works right?" Hinata looked to you and Gaara, both of you being known experts of bureaucracy.

"Sure" you say this with a shrug.

"Sound logical to me" Gaara sounds just as sure as you.

"See they agree, let's go make you a clan" Sasuke might be trying to kick them out.

One quick walk to the Hokage later, using the Uchiha clan privilege to cut the line, things seemed like they'd work.

"Are you officially disowned Hinata?" the Hokage was going through the clan paper work.

"Maybe?" she didn't actually know.

"Do you have any form or concrete evidence to show this?"

"We could check the letters?" you of course brought them with you in case you wanted a cheap laugh.

"That is a lot of letters" the Hokage buzzed his secretary. "Cancel my appointments this is a very pressing matter. Thank you."

"Wow, thank you Lord Hokage for all the help" Hinata was using her respectful voice.

"Oh don't mention it, I'd rather do anything else than those meetings. Speaking of, any word from Naruto about when they'll be back? I have a retirement party to plan."

"No" you frown a bit, missing Naruto hours were back.

"Well, back to the matter on hand, let's look at these letters."

After two hours the five of you finally manage to get through all the letters. There were a lot of them, you'd sorted them into groups based on the contents. A pile of ones calling you and Naruto heathens, sad ones asking for his little girl to come home, angry ones, angry ones calling you and Naruto heathens, your favorite was the three where he uses the phrase den of sin. Never gets old.

"Well, I don't think any of these really count for the evidence we need" the Hokage had a small frown as he put the last one down.

"Not to beat a dead horse, but can't they just be arrested because slavery is very wrong" Gaara had a really good point still.

"You see, no, because according the original founding documents, their allowed to have slavery, even though it is very wrong. They have refused any attempts to alter said documents, and the council backs them due to the clan's size."

"What if we kill them with sand?"

"Gaara murder is off the table" Hinata give him an indignant look.

You mouth to the Hokage 'Murder is still on the table.'

"If you can get a document saying your father disowns you and have him sign it we can get you clan sanctuary" the Hokage decided to lead them off the murder path.

"That's gonna be real hard, their kinda trying to kidnap me right now."

"What if we use you as bait and then trick your dad into signing a paper?" you were willing to risk Hinatas life for this plan.

"Why would I agree to that?"

"It's that or murder girl, we have exhausted all our other options at this point."

"Murder is supposed to be off the table!"

"Hinata please, I am a recovering murdering monster, it's never off the table" Gaara really knew how to introspect huh.

"I'm going to ignore you said that, because this is my FAMILY."

"Having a family is overrated Hinata, look at me!" Sasuke looked like he was really pushing the sadness down for that one. "Or Naruto, or even Haku."

"Wow, so many of us don't have families" you never thought of it like that.

"Sasuke you cry yourself to sleep because of your dead family shut up" wow Hinata, that was really mean.

"And you're a bitch but I don't say that to you out of nowhere" now he looked like he was going to cry.

"Ok, as Hokage I say no murder" he gives you a small wink, some murder was clearly allowed.

"Then it's bait plan let's go get a signature" you grab Hinata and head to the door. "Gaara you can just go back home."

"Not to my house though" Sasuke was really sick of him huh.

"Ok, fine, leave me out of the plan, see if I care" he sounded like he cared a lot.

"Trust me it's better this way" you were going to need to think of some really convincing lies for this to work. "Lead the way to the clan place Hinata!"

"Why do I already not like this plan" she was such a downer some days.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Sorry for the long delay! I graduated college and started a job so I've been insanely busy! But I'm getting back to writing so expect more chapters hopefully!

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"Hello, I'm here to return one heiress" you really hoped your shittly made disguise plus illusion wouldn't be seen through.

"Sir do you have two mustaches?" the guard squinted at your face.

"Maybe, who's asking huh?" you thought two mustaches was in for weird guys who help in clan based kidnappings. "Are you a cop or something?"

"Well, no I suppose I'm not a cop" perfect he was clearly confused by that.

"Good, anyways, where do I return this girl" you gestured again to Hinata.

"Uh, I guess here? I'll go ask."

"This plan is dumb and if I die or am made a slave because of it I will murder you" Hinata was being a huge downer.

"Oh so murders on the table for you but not me and Gaara? Real dick move."

"Yes because I'm the one who's life is literally hanging in the balance here, so I get to murder people."

"Fine whatever" you waited for the guard to come back in silence.

"Hi yes, uh, sir..." he was looking right at you.

"Yes?"

"You can return that girl here, Mr..." why was he constantly trailing off like that.

"Great to hear, I just need to get a signature from the clan head for the job completion."

"You do?"

"Well yeah, duh" all good cons rely on being a dick to people who clearly don't know a lot.

"Oh, uh, alright, it's just, no one told us you'd be meeting with him" jeez what kind of guard cares this much about who goes in or out of a secure clan compound.

"Well obviously not, it's a need to know basis."

"Right, uh" fuck were all the people in this clan like old Hinata?

"Listen, either you bring to meet the head of the clan, or I just take this girl and return her elsewhere" you hope he doesn't realize your threat makes no sense.

"But where el-"

"What's it gonna be bucko? You wanna tell your boss why this girl was not returned here?"

"N-no."

"Then take us to the clan head ASAP."

"Yes, yes sir, right this way, uh, sir" he turned around and quickly walked inside.

"I can't believe this is working" Hinata was in for a day of unbelievable schemes.

The two of you followed the man inside, making sure to speed walk past any clan members you saw. After a lot of twists and turns, this place was fucking huge, the guard stopped at a door.

"He's in there, but I think he's in a meeting" you could hear voices from inside the room, they did sound like a meeting.

"Well thank you, you may go" you shoo him.

"But, shouldn't I take the girl your trying to return?" you roll your eyes at him.

"No, I am strictly returning her to the big boss around here" you shoo him again.

"Oh, uh, um" you just shoo him a third time, not wanting to deal with his Hinata like shutdown.

"Was I like that?" after he left Hinata whispered this to you.

"What?"

"You know, forever ago?"

"Oh no of course not, you were so much worse."

"Thanks asshole."

"It's true, at least he did stutter out about trying to steal my man."

"I did that one time, one."

"And it was hilarious, now stop talking your supposed to be a prisoner."

"Fine. Dick."

You wait around for a few minutes. This turns into a half hour, the meeting seemed to still be going strong. You're getting sick of waiting around. You storm into the office, throwing impulse control to the wind.

"How dare you make me wait a half hour because of this.." you trail off as it's just him watching a show and talking at it.

"Who are you, why are you here, you saw nothing" he quickly hid the screen.

"I'm here, to return her" you gesture to Hinata. "Per this contract."

"Oh, well, good."

"I just need your signature and then we can all be on our way, and you can return to this meeting" you pull out the fake contract.

"Right, good, very professional, I knew hiring a bounty hunter was the right decision" he looked around his desk for a pen.

"I can't believe you hired a bounty hunter, to drag your own daughter back here" Hinata was initiating operation Family Argument, to distract him from reading this fake contract.

"Oh because you made it so easy to get you back here?" he fell for it. "I sent countless letters, which you ignored. Sent people to politely bring you, whom you hid from. I didn't exactly have many options."

"I didn't exactly have many options" she repeated what he said but in a mocking tone.

"How dare you young lady, I have done my best to raise you and this is how you treat me" wow he really hated that one.

"News flash asshole" she really did listen to your comprehensive guide of how to be an asshole. "You've been a shitty father the whole time."

"Oh, well, your welcome for providing a roof over you head and food for you then" there's no way he though he was actually a good parent right?

"Sasuke's family did that for him, and they all died, so you literally did as much as the dead family" holy shit Hinata.

"I, that, you" she, she broke him.

"So just sign you stupid fucking contract or whatever and brand me so we can all be on with our lives" she crossed her arms and turned away from him.

"Not to sound like a third wheel here, but I too would like to be on my way" this had been a little awkward.

"Right, let me just sign that real fast" he took the contract and signed it quickly, a perfectly executed plan.

"Thanks, I'll see my self out" you take the paper and roll it up.

"Thank you for helping make my family whole again" wow he just hit you with that.

"Now don't thank me yet" you put the contract safely away, and grab a fist full of pocket sand.

"Yet?"

"Now!" you throw the sand in his eyes and run out with Hinata.

"AH, SAND, IN MY EYES" the sounds of things knocking over means your plan was flawless.

Quickly sprinting through corridors and hallways the two of you approached an exit. You could taste the success of this plan already, it tasted a lot like ramen weirdly enough.

"STOP" someone was yelling after you now, and it sure sounded like they were chasing you.

Barreling through the door and knocking over that helpless guard from before, you were out! You made an ice trail to slick up the ground here. Hinata grabbed your arm and dragged you along. She, for a very good reason, wanted to get out of here.

"AND YOU'LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY YOU ALMOST CAUGHT, Hinata please stop jerking me around I'm gloating at your family, HAKU YUKI."

"WHO THE HELL IS HAKU YUKI" wow for a little bitch that guard sure could yell.

After a lot of non-stop running, the two of you made it back to the Hokages office. You got ushered back in rather fast, probably thanks to this being Uchiha clan business still.

"That was rather fast" the Hokage was making a house of cards.

"Did you really doubt what we could do as a team?" you were still riding the high of that win.

"Not to be in a rush, but can we do the whole getting me immunity thing quickly" Hinata sure sounded like she was in a rush.

"Right, I filled out the forms ahead of time while I waited, we just attach this signed proof of you being disowned and we're all good."

"Wow, this whole process sure was easy" you expected much more bureaucratic bullshit.

"I'm the Hokage, and I'm retiring soon, I can literally do almost whatever I want" wow that sure wasn't a great thing to hear from the leader of the village.

"So, now what, do I get like a badge in the mail or something?"

"Do you want a badge? Sauske said they look kind of ugly." 

"If it legally prevents my family from kidnapping me I'll take it" it really only now dawned on you as to how fucked up this whole thing was.

"Well, allow me to be the first to thank you and your clan for becoming members of our village" he handed her a really ugly looking badge.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: So. Yeah. I uh, forgot to um. Update this story. I'm busy a lot I'm sorry... I make no guarantees for when future updates will drop, but they will!

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"So" Naruto seemed, kind of incredibly bewildered by your story about what had happened while he was gone. "When did the arrest part happen?"

"I'm getting to that part just give me a second" some of this story possibly was not true, but Hinata sure wasn't here to tell the real parts of it all. "Anyways, that badge was so ugly."

Picking up from the badge, you reweave the threads of your mostly true story. You also make a note to get Hinata to show him the badge whenever she gets home.

"So you can now do literally whatever you want with no repercussions right?" that's vaguely what Sasuke said when he brought the idea up, and it's the part you remembered. "Cause if so, I am literally the only member of my "Clan" and should have at that ability."

"I mean, I can do as I please within my own clan as it's leader, I can't just break laws like crazy" Hinata had a little booklet she was leafing through, courtesy of the Hokage. "I do get, and this is like super weirdly specific, like four free desertions? Only one if I commit full acts of treason, but I'm still allowed back if I do."

"Huh, they must have added that recently" Sasuke pulls out his own, and much older looking, booklet. "I'll just keep that info up in my noggin if it's ever useful."

"You do have to explicitly make a claim of becoming Hokage while coming back, seriously who came up with this and when would it come up?" Hinata pointed to the eight full paragraphs pertaining specifically to this part of clan leader rights.

"While this is super funny info to know and have on hand, it sure is great neither of us is ever going to use it" Sasuke sure said that in a weird way.

"Oh well, duh" Hinata did not sound any less suspicious, were your friends literal traitors of the state?

"Right, but we can also move back into our own home now!" you change the topic before anyone can reveal their secret plans.

"Oh thank god, please get your stuff ASAP" wow thanks Sasuke. "Not that we aren't friends and everything, but I cannot live with people."

"Well, only a little offense taken there, but yeah we'll clear out."

The three of you meet back up with Gaara, and then with his sand assistance, get to work moving back home. You stop and grab take out on the way since all your groceries are most definitely bad. Of course nothing in your life is ever easy and waiting at the gate is a very angry Hiashi. Great. The foods going to get cold. You approach and greet him with all of the dignity and grace you'd been taught by Zabuza.

"What's popping bitch" Zabuza was a good teacher.

"What's popping? WHAT'S POPPING?" his eyes still looked red from your sand attack earlier. "You. Threw sand. Into my eyes. What do you think is 'Popping'?"

"I'm about to chow down on this delicious food so, that."

"Dad just go back to the clan compound" Hinata decided your attempts to handle the situation weren't going to work.

"Oh don't worry, I will" his tone wasn't a great one. "But first I've come to deliver the terms of our duel, Mr. Yuki."

Uh. Fuck.

"Duel? You're kidding right?" Hinata no don't set him up for this.

"Of course not, tomorrow at high noon, hand to hand combat, training ground 1" he made very pointed eye contact with you. "Unless you accept the terms of defeat now after issuing a duel with your, sand, earlier."

"What would forfeiting entail for me exactly?" you could only assume nothing good.

"Oh I'm glad you asked" he unfurled a scroll from his pocket. "Losing the duel, or forfeiting, results in the loss of all private assets. They are then the property of the victor."

"Oh that's all?" you don't own shit. "Yeah no I'm not fighting you, go ahead and claim all of my no assets."

"Well then, you best head back to the Uchiha estate, as this house is now Hyuuga property."

"No it's not, it's not even my property, Naruto owns that house" you hope there wasn't some legal bullshit you jump got bamboozled by.

"Oh yes, it is normally, but since he's out of the village on extended leave. You are granted full ownership rights, as stated in this document signed by him."

You look over said document. Fuck. Why had no one told you about this?

"Freeze frame, I one hundred percent told you about that" Naruto once again cut into your narrative.

"When?"

"I, left a note."

"Oh well that sure was helpful, where did you leave this note?"

"With Kakashi. I can see now, that was a mistake."

"Only mostly, and no more interruptions! The stories almost over!"

"Fine fine."

"Thank you" you clear your throat and get back into story mode.

You'd been bamboozled by legal nonsense and an asshole using archaic dueling laws. Which meant you were fucked and had to duel him, or so you thought.

"Fine I'll fight you tomorrow" this sucked.

"Oh no no no, you already forfeited, so that's a no go" he gave you a smug grin, fuck you wanted to throw more sand in his eyes.

"Then here!" Hinata, grabbing a handful of Gaaras sand, acted out your current desire. "I, Hinata of the currently unnamed Clan I technically am the head of, challenge you to a duel."

"SAND, IN MY EYES, AGAIN" Hiashi grabbed his face, bending over in pain.

"Tomorrow, high noon, training grounds three, no holds barred, you versus me, normal dueling stakes apply" you were so proud of her right now, even if this was a goddamn awful idea.

"I, AGH, ACCEPT" with bright red, tear filled eyes, he glared at you both before leaving.

"Ok Hinata, one that was really cool and probably a huge step towards you resolving your daddy issues, but two: HE'S GOING TO DESTROY YOU!"

"Nah, I've got a plan, it's not just hand to hand after all" she had a surprisingly mischievous grin.

"Ok, let's hear this plan, we've got like, seventeen hours" you follow her to the scene of the duel.

"Step one: I'm gonna kick my dads ass!" you loved this energy.


	8. Chapter 8

You'd worked tirelessly on this set up, there were traps galore. Hinata had a crash course with Sasuke to learn some ninjutsu, all together her odds looked better than before. You wouldn't say they looked good, of course, but they didn't look impossible now. It was up to you to give her a pep talk and get that fighting fire really burning.

"You have to win so we get our house back, and also cause fuck your dad" you think that'll do nicely.

"Thanks for reminding me of the stakes and that my dad sucks" her voice did not seem particularly pepped.

"Look, worse case scenario we have to kill your dad, and like not to brag, but I'm a pro at killing dads."

"How is that reassuring? Now I just feel like we need to go to therapy and try to unpack that mess of a sentence."

"Which we can only do if you win since we have no money right now" you try a new angle. "So the future of my mental health is fully on your shoulders now."

"Again, this does not help me get in the ass kicking zone" it was probably the lack of sleep getting to her, but she was cracking.

"I find it best to think only of the screams my foe will make as I destroy them" Gaara broke your no helping in pep talk rules, and of course his advice was weird.

"Somehow that actually is helpful" oh fuck you Hinata. "Just cheer me on alright?"

"Yeah I can do that" you were probably one of the few people in her corner for this fight.

After a quick hug she went to her starting position for the battle. Her father, with a small clan procession, arrived a few moments later. He took up position a few meters across from her, a smug look on his face.

"I'll offer you a last chance to surrender before this begins" wow cocky much Hiashi?

"Funny, I was going to offer you that chance" that's your roommate of questionable relationship.

"So be it, as an arrogant child is what you've become, I shall knock you down" he definitely rehearsed that one.

"aS An ArRoGaNt ChIlD iS wHaT yOuVe BeCoMe I sHaLl KnOcK yOu DoWn" you'd never been more proud of her.

His smug look twisted to an expression of anger at her taunting. Admittedly you were impressed with her, even if she was probably incredibly terrified of him, Hinata was ready to take him on. Somehow while you both were squabbling and trying to kill each other, she'd really grown.

"This battle shall begin on the count of three" some kind of ref stepped forward between the two of them. "It will go until either side surrenders or is no longer able to fight."

"3...2…. Fight!"

With that call, the plan began. Hinata threw a whole pockets worth of sand at him while jumping back to dodge an attack.

"MY EYES, WHY" he was really always going to fall for that one huh.

With phase one complete Hinata moved in for phase two. Which was just a fancy name for kicking her dad in the balls incredibly hard. The combination of him being partially blind from the sand, and how hard she kicked, made this move incredibly potent. Wheezing Hiashi fell to the ground, directly on top of phase three. Glue trap.

"Not only were you an awful dad, you also literally have no sense of style" Hinata was moving into the mental damage phase of the fight. "Like do you go into your closet every day and just compliment yourself on the selection of identical bland robes you own?"

"You only wear one outfit too!" he cried out as he began to struggle against the glue trap. "It's just that hoody and some pants, how is that style?"

"It's called a style choice based in a metaphor for my withdrawn and sheltered nature! Both things caused by you!"

The crowd was now catching onto the very unorthodox nature of this duel. For once there was an audience of more than two for their strange father daughter arguments. It almost made you glad you had killed your own dad in a weird sick way. You probably also need therapy.

"I uh, think we can call the duel here" the ref who called start for the fight seemed to want this to be over.

"NO" Hiashi frantically tore himself from the glue trap, destroying most of his previously mentioned outfit. "I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY YOUR CHEAP TRICKS AND MEAN WORDS."

Now that you and everyone else here had to see a mostly exposed Hiashi yell; you are very glad you have neither your biological father here, or Zabuza.

"Then bring it beyotch" Hinata goes in to cash out her mental damage.

Hiashi charges towards her, his arms a flash as you remember he is supposed to be a strong as fuck ninja. Hinata does her best to deflect and dodge the blows, but she isn't able to stop them all. You wince as she gets flung back from one particularly powerful attack. Now that he was in a rage she wouldn't last much longer.

"You have humiliated me and yourself today, take whatever semblance of dignity you have left and give up" he was taking long deep breaths to cool his head.

"Bold of you think I have any of that" she taunted him again, betting everything on this final part of the plan. "And after half the clan saw your bare ass you're in no place to talk about dignity."

Whatever composure he'd succeed in regaining was gone. Now it all came down to who was faster. Hiashi's furious rush attack, or Hinata as she blasted through the hand signs for a jutsu. Her actions caused a gasp to cascade through the audience.

"Fireball jutsu!" as Hiashi's attack moved within inches of her face, Hinata exhaled, blasting him with the fireball.

The effect of the attack was only amplified by it's pointblank range. Hiashi rocketed back from her, tumbling to a halt on the ground. Sasuke was one broody boy, but he sure could teach.

"Hi-Hiashi is unable to continue the fight" the ref was checking him over; it looked like, ignoring some charring, he was just knocked out from his impact with the ground. "Hinata of the Yuki clan is the victor."

Of the what clan?

"Why didn't she just use Uzumaki?" Naruto again interrupted your carefully woven narrative.

"Something about how you're already the clan leader of that so she, without asking me, made herself the Yuki clan leader."

"That feels like it's in poor taste considering you're killed your dad and everything."

"Yup babe, that's exactly how I felt on the matter. She didn't even offer to let us kill her dad."

"That's the part you had an issue with?"

"No I just wanted to make you realize that what you just said was also in poor taste."

"Fair enough, sorry honey."

"Forgiven. Anyways, the big arrest."


	9. Chapter 9

AN: I'm gonna try and bust the rest of this story out ASAP!

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"Fuck it's good to be home" not having to crash with Sasuke was really going to improve your emotional health. "It's so great that literally all of our issues with your family have resolved in such a nice and clean way."

"Why would you say it like that?" Hinata's tone said exasperated, but her face? Also exasperated huh.

"Just so when I inevitably have to tell Naruto about all of this I can site that exact quote."

"I feel like you didn't say that" Naruto had to keep his grubby little quips out of your narrative!

"Oh yeah? Were you there? No! So I sure as hell said that."

"It just feels to meta to be true, like if I at some point reference how I'm in a story called Naruto. It just wouldn't feel natural or believable."

"Well when you're in charge, you can have that narration based introspection of what is and isn't meta."

"Fair enough, continue."

"Not to alarm you both, or contradict your previous statement Haku, but it seems that Hinata's father is coming to the door" thanks Gaara, if you don't acknowledge him he's not there, avoidance number one.

"See! You jinxed us!"

"I'm sure he's just here to politely tell us he's swearing off his normal shenanigans and that he's learned to love and accept you, even though you live in a den of sin."

"STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT" Hinata clearly was too superstitious.

Before you could comment about her being a pessimist; the incessant loud knocking of a bad father filled the house. Perhaps, you had jinxed it.

"HINATA WE HAVE TO SPEAK IMMEDIATELY."

"Just no one say anything and he won't know we're here" you whisper to the other too.

"Oh you're right, it's not like has, oh I don't know, X-RAY VISION" Hinata please yelling a reminder to him that he has x-ray vision will not help the situation.

"I have a plan" Gaara was raising his hand.

"No."

"I think we should hear him out."

"Gaara does your plan involve killing my father?"

"No…."

"I find that hard to believe, but fine what is it."

"I need a few moments to…. Improve it" yeah it was probably kill her dad.

"Well thanks to someone my idea is ruined" you give Hinata a pointed glance.

"He has fucking x-ray vision Haku, staying quiet will not help us here."

"I CAN LITERALLY HEAR ALL THREE OF YOU" damn him and those magic eyes.

"Well great, now thanks to his x-ray vision, that someone reminded him he has, he knows we're here."

"I have my plan ready."

"Ok Gaara, let's hear this plan" Hinata seemed poised and ready to veto it on the grounds of murder.

"We just ignore him" well shit, Gaara might be onto something.

"He'll come back though."

"Yes, so we just ignore him again."

"So" you're brain could literally not process the ingenuity of Gaara's plan, "We just ignore him for the rest of his life?"

"Yup."

"He's got my vote for Hokage."

"He is at our front door, we use that to go outside remember?" Hinata was clearly way too small brained for this plan.

"Yes I'm aware, but we don't have to actually stop and talk to him. I've done this numerous times back home."

"Where everyone is afraid of you, because you murder people who bother you?" Hinata brought up a rude, but probably very true point.

"Oh. Right. I have an additional suggestion."

"If it's murder, no."

"I do not have an additional suggestion."

"Great, now we're just jerking each other off at square one" all this damn knocking was going to give you a killer migraine. "Hinata, do you want to talk to him?"

"Not particularly, I did only a few hours ago beat him a duel. You know, to win back our house you lost, so I'm just saying, I've kinda done a lot today."

"I'm warning you, if you try and use this card now you can't use it ever again" you could only be guilted for any one thing one time.

"Hm, ok I'll think on it a little longer before I cash this out."

The three of you sat around, only about ten feet from the front door, thinking of some way to get out of dealing with him. Luckily for all of you, the world was a just and fair place.

"Sir can you please step aside, the Ho-" a new voice popped up outside.

"NO, I WILL NOT JUST STEP ASIDE, AND I WILL NOT BE HARASSED BY WHOEVER YOU ARE" Hiashi seemed like he just picked some kind of fight.

"I will ask you one more time, by order of the Ho-" this guy was probably just trying to deliver some mail to all of you.

"I DON'T CARE BY WHO'S ORDER, GET OUT OF HERE" this was followed by the sound of someone clocking someone else, and then a loud sigh.

"I warned you guy, for obstructing official Hokage business I have to take you, please come quietly."

"Did my dad just…" Hinata trailed off as said dad began shouting about various injustices and infringement of rights.

"Yes, yes he did" you were kind of impressed by the sheer power of his one track mind.

"It would appear" Gaara had, was that a grin? On his face? "Ignoring him worked out."

"Ok, not to intrude on your narrative again, but that feels really anticlimactic" Naruto once again broke into your carefully woven tale. "Like, you've been building up to how he got arrested for like two hours."

"What can I say, sometimes life is a let down" you omit the rest of the story, about the village wide civil war, dramatic hostage situation, and of course the part where Sasuke comes out. "Sometimes a story ends in a disappointing way; sometimes the man you love can't go five minutes without interrupting you as you recount event he was absent for."

"I'm sorry, but we've been here for like four hours, you know me, I can't go four hours without talking" this is true, the doctors have told you he'll die if he does.

"Hm, fine, story time over I guess" you dramatically sigh. "Tell me more about how Orochimaru taught you how to properly 'Yas.'"

"It's not yas, it's _yaass._ "


	10. Chapter 10

"I'll apologize again but due to the... Specificity of this meeting I've combined your two sessions."

"How could our sessions be that similar" you look at Sasuke besides you, of course he has the same therapist.

"Older male family member kills other/all other family members leaving you alone in the world" well ok when put like that.

"I'd like to say my whole family was killed by my brother, not just a single family member" ok Sasuke you wanna play this game.

"Yeah and I had to kill my own dad, plus like twenty random people. Sasuke here certainly hasn't killed anyone, let alone his brother who killed killed his whole family."

"Are you trying to make a point to me" oh he wanted to try you did he? "I'm sorry not all of us are cold hearted and react to trauma with violence."

"Well some of us were in a life or death situation, since my dad wanted to kill me" you knew how to tear this depressed boy apart. "Unlike you I know, your brother didn't even bother trying to kill you."

"I see" maybe you needed to find a better therapist this didn't seem even remotely like a good idea.

"Maybe it's because he was jaded by this system of child soldiers the world we live in thrives on" yeah you hit a nerve. "And seeing me snapped him out of his murderous rampage, maybe he saw an out in me."

"Interesting."

"You wanna talk about child soldiers? I was raised by Zabuza! The guy who killed his whole class for fun?"

"That's nothing, Itachi was Anbu before people his age even left the academy. Fucking child prodigy of murder, and people told him that was a good thing! How is that a good thing?"

"Murder prodigy."

"And now here I am, with no family and my only direction in life is to try and kill him. Not only does my life suck but my options for the future blow."

"The whole fate of your clan riding on your back and nutsack, I'm glad my bloodline isn't valued like yours" not in a million years were you going to reproduce.

"Nut…" seriously how did this guy get a license. "Sack…."

"It's awful, if I don't pony up the Sasuke juice by a certain age the village tries to saddle me up with a bunch of women to repopulate. I'm not just a dick with special eyes attached to it! I'm a person!"

"Yeah you are! Fuck that! You don't gotta reproduce and no one can make you!"

"Yeah! Fuck that! I'm gonna adopt! And not just have sex with some women I barely like just because she won't leave me alone!"

"God the bar is low huh."

"But we are clearing it!" you don't think you've seen him this pumped in long time.

"Fuck yeah we are! Who needs blood ties to family? Not us!"

"Yeah!"

"Not to interrupt this moment" right the therapist. "But I think you're both missing the whole point."

"What's the point?"

"The village wants more special eyes in it."

"You're fired" you and Sasuke get up, this guy isn't qualified to help either of you.

"Yeah fuck you, no child of mine will be forced into the ceaselessly devouring machine of war!" Sasuke was really making strides today.

"And I don't even think you're a real therapist, you're certificate looks like it was made with crayons!"

"Well…. You got me there."

"Let's bounce" Sasuke had, produced sunglasses from somewhere as he kicked open the door.

"Yeah fuck this guy" you flip out your own pair of shades. "I may have issues, but I'm also engaged so who even needs therapy."

You make sure to flash your ring on the way out. At this point you're not actually capable of not flashing it, you've been bragging about this almost non-stop. For some reason, like maybe you you somehow forgot when you got engaged even though it was definitely very much recently, you hadn't brought it up during therapy. Well no time like the present.

"Step aside single hoes, I'm fucking engaged!" the effect this has on the street full of people isn't quite what you wanted, but it's about the actions not the effect.

"I was wondering when I'd hear you bring up the engagement, from what I've heard you've told literally everyone about it" Sasuke you gossipy slut.

"Well" you make adjust your sunglasses with your ring finger. "Naruto proposed, technically it was a tactic to make me less mad about him leaving on some training trip, but we're now engaged. I've made sure to rub it in Hinata's face at every available chance."

"Well of course, she did try and steal your man, and then ended up living with you both. Thinking on it, I'm really not sure how that ended up being a thing, like, no offense to you but go her. She really made her dreams come true."

"I do have to admire her spunk, were I any less charming and beautiful I would have felt incredibly threatened by her."

"Didn't you too have a death match?"

"Yes, yes we did."

The two of you continued your walk in silence as you reminisce on that death match. You and her should really do one of those again, for old times sake. A chance to really get back to your relationship roots.

"This is my stop, I'll see you in a few days for the weekly himbos of Konoha meeting" Sasuke headed off to his door.

"Of course, and don't forget Neji is hosting this week" maintaining this society was tough work, but it needed to be done.

With Sasuke dropped off, you returned to your own home. There wasn't much time left before Naruto headed out, you'd already made two checklists for everything he'd need to bring along. You rounded a corner and could see the house, just the sight of it made you smile. As far as dreams coming true goes, the literal house you and your now fiance live in was very good proof that they do. Maybe the world wasn't such an awful place after all.

"Hey you!" Naruto shouted at you from the porch. "You look like someone who had an, um, affirming therapy session?"

"Not how I'd describe it exactly" you closed the gate behind you, smiling at his attempt to talk about therapy and how you were going to lie about that later.

Kissing him, at your house, life really couldn't get better; and barring some freak attack from two weirdos who try and use you as a hostage to get Naruto, nothing could ruin that.


	11. Chapter 11

Here you were. Not in your lovely house, with your lovely fiance, with you admittedly alright friend who was a girl. No. No of course not. Here you are. In some fucking hidden base after two random assholes blew up your house and kidnapped you. There was in order: Weird guy with a half mask, Weird blond guy with mouths on his hands, Weird short guy, Weird guy with a full mask. Naruto why did you have to be hunted down by such unfashionable people?

"Sorry we're late, Kisame was hungry" oh thank god, someone with some sense of style.

"Do we all need to be here?" weird blond guy seemed kinda cocky. "We've got his boyfriend, and now there's six of us. Is this kid going to do some kind of bullshit power up and kick all our asses?"

"What the blond kid?" Kisame, you'd actually met him with Zabuza one time, seemed disinterested. "I can handle him alone, I thought you called us in about your hostage."

"Why would we have called you about the hostage?" weird half mask guy seemed like he didn't actually like any of these guys.

"We've met" you decide this is a prime time to spit out the low effort cloth gag they made. "I was just with Zabuza last time."

"Oh yeah! I knew you looked familiar, how is the crazy bastard?"

"Beats me, he ran off awhile back, that's kind of why I'm with Naruto."

"Wait. You and the blond kid? Really?"

"Yeah really."

"Well now I feel bad, guys can we let him go?" thank you Kisame.

"No we cannot just let the hostage go" the short weirdo spoke up finally.

"Worth a shot, sorry kiddo."

"The attempt is appreciated."

"So, not to be the last one in the loop here" the stylish one spoke up. "Are you planning to ransom this guy back for Naruto? To Naruto?"

"It's not a ransom situation, we let him know if he comes quietly with us we'll release his boyfriend" the blond guy seemed to be the organizer of this plan, even though he is definitely a himbo, possibly even a full on bimbo.

"Right. I'll just wait around for the inevitable fighting then."

"Yeah same, good seeing you kiddo!"

"Yeah I'll let Zabuza know you say hi if I see him again" you figure it's more likely you'll see him first.

"See Itachi why aren't you nice like that, how come Zabuza got the nice kid?"

"I'm not your child Kisame that's why" hmmm, Itachi, that name sure sounds familiar.

"It's when you say those kinds of things you really break your old man's heart, remember when I taught you how to ride a bike? Those memories stay with you forever."

Itachi… Itachi… Is that like, you wanna say he might be related to….. Shikamaru? They both do have black hair. Maybe this is the first guy from Shikamarus family who wasn't lazy as hell so they kicked him out? Yeah that checks out. Itachi Nara.

"Alright, who's going to watch the hostage?" half mask guys tone of voice gave away how he very much didn't want to do it.

"Well it's my plan so I'm not doing it" ok bimbo calm down.

"No" good you didn't wanna be stuck with some weird manlet.

"Then I guess" please be normal please be normal. "It's all on me! Tobi the hostage keeper!"

Well there went all chances of this guy being even slightly normal huh. Maybe it'd be better to just let them kill you now. The rest of the weirdos left, it was just you and him now.

"So I think that's where it all started" wow weird mask guy has some fucking issues.

"I see, it seems to me that the absence of a real father figure in your life pushed you into, who was it again?" he'd untied you so you could work more freely.

"You promise this is doctor patient confidentiality?"

"I mean I'm no doctor but sure."

"Madara Uchiha, the real one not just myself under this fake name."

"We will touch on that in a bit, but yes the lack of a real father figure pushed you right into his arms" luckily for you this guy also had daddy issues. "And now you're masquerading as him. That's like a whole weird level of trying to self actualize some kind of stability in your life."

"Yeah I think you're right. Also wow I love the term self actualize."

"It's a very good term" you feel like it's a good term to just pepper in wherever.

"So here I am, trying to self actualize" he was now standing up on the therapy couch he'd been lying on. "I would just like some positive recognition from a male role model in my life. I think I've earned it, I've worked hard, done some incredible things!"

"That's right, you have!" he'd gone in and explained a lot it, you didn't bother actually listening. "Think about the kind of praise you didn't get in your life, now put yourself in the shoes of that kid, uh, Nagoon? What would he want to hear, from you?"

"Huh" that got him back to lying down. "I never thought about it like that. Do you think he looks up to me?"

"Well from the sound of things, yes" it didn't sound like a you and Zabuza situation, but he… gave that kid eyes?

"Oh my god I see it now" he had a breakthrough you guess. "Here I am, literally taking the name of the man who, technically saved my life; and just like him I am not nurturing the child who has looked up to me for guidance. I have truly become Madara, the man who made me."

"Yes, yes, but is it too late for you to change what you've become?"

"I…. Isn't it?"

"No! If there's literally one thing I've learned this whole time with Naruto, it's that it's never too late. Look at Gaara, he just used to kill people for fun. That was his leisurely Sunday morning activity. Now? Now he's actually pretty nice."

"So…. You think, anyone can be redeemed? Like no matter how bad of a thing they've done?"

"Well, not exactly. Like that Kakuzu guy? Fuck him, he's just an abberant dickhead. Orochimaru though? Apparently he's on our side now, and he's done some real fucked up stuff. The hope is now, he'll be a better person who like, tries to do good."

"So if I, change, and try to make the world a better place? What if it's like an empty promise though?"

"That answers itself dude, if you don't put that time in you're still just a dick. You gotta commit to being a better person, pull out all the stops and really change. Like if Orochimaru keeps doing experients on kids he's outtie."

"I… I understand."

"I'm glad to have been of help."

"So…. I got loads more trauma if you've got time?"

"Sure I guess, and I think we should set up weekly appointments for some more meetings, how does that sound?"

"I can do likeeeee, Thursdays? After 2?"

"I can swing 4 if that works?"

"Yeah that's perfect!"

"Great great, now, let's hear some more of your issues."

Hours later, here you were. Retied up and helping this repressed man feel for the first time in years. You were a goddamn miracle worker.

"And then, this is maybe the worst part, the next time I see them, he's got his hand through her chest, like, that's the exact opposite of what I said to do" he'd really dug deep for this one.

"I see I see" you could relate to that weirdly enough thanks to Kakashi, probably a coincidence. "It really seem like this betrayal from your childhood friend has caused a large scale ripple through your life. Have you confronted him about it since then?"

"No, I've admittedly not talked to him in many years" a classic mistake.

"I think you need this confrontation, in order to gain the closure your life has lacked. Not only to know why he did what he did, but so he can understand how deeply his betrayal hurt you."

"I think you're right, I've put it off for too long and it's really festered" boom, another break through, number five for the day.

"I'm glad I could help you reach this place of elevated emotional understanding."

"I think you really have a gift for this, you should like open up a practice."

"You're right I should, can you untie me so I can go do so?"

"Of course I can."

He got up and started untying some of the knots on you. After the third one he paused.

"Wait a minute, dammit I did it again" he began retying them.

"Damn, thought I had you this time, you even undid three knots."

"You're a real tricky one I'll give you that one."

"Thank you I try, so tell me more about your father?"

"UNTIE MY FIANCE" Naruto busted in throwing kunai at your client.

"FIANCE?" oh shit Zabuza was here too, and now knew about that.

"FIANCE!" you were going to ignore Zabuza in favor of handling that later.

"Oh my god congrats I didn't know you were engaged" Tobi was such a polite client, even if your fiance just attacked him. "Am I invited to the wedding?"

"Yes!" he's currently you're best client after all.

"NO!" Naruto was going to be talked into this later.

"Babe he would be so good to have at our wedding" you really want to have this talk now.

"WEDDING? BETWEEN YOU TWO? AND I ONLY NOW, RIGHT NOW, HEAR ABOUT IT?" Zabuza was taking this news very well.

"OH AND WHERE WERE YOU THESE PAST SIX MONTHS? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SEND YOU MAIL HUH?" do not even fucking try me fucko.

"I feel as though you all have some issues to work through, I am a licensed family psychiatrist in two lands" huh, to be fair anyone can forge some papers for those.

"NO WE'RE HERE TO FIGHT YOU AND SAVE HIM, but if at a later time your services are available do you have business card?" actually that's a surprising twist from him, you're proud of him.

"I do actually" Tobi handed him one.

"Usually when we burst through doors, we don't ask our enemy for a business card do we Zabuza?" Naruto was being so rude right now.

"Oh and do you always suddenly inform the adoptive father of your fiancé that you're engaged in that moment?" he had him there.

"Guys you can fight about that later, can someone untie me first" try number eight coming.

"Oh of course" Tobi started untying you again.

"Thanks buddy" wow he was just distracted enough for this.

"Of course" Tobi finished the last knot.

"Finally" you bounced up from the chair and stretched a little. "Well, see you at my office Thursday at four and remember, healing is a staircase not an elevator."

"See you then" Tobi waved you off as the others just watched, flabbergasted.

You decide to go look for some food while they work out their issues. Maybe some family counseling for Naruto and Zabuza would be a good thing.

"OH SHIT" ah he figured out what he'd just done now.

Ignoring the sound of fighting you grabbed some yogurt from the fridge they had here. It's a good thing they have that himbo here, only himbos love this shit. You head back over there.

"We won?" Zabuza and Naruto were now standing alone.

"Yay!"

The three of you left, following Jiraya and a magic dog? To a giant snake? With some weird himbo? God what had Naruto got up to recently?

"I mean, I can technically officiate weddings as a Sage" was Jiraya implying what you think he's implying?

"Well, I never pictured our wedding on the back of a large snake" you had in fact planned to be on the bridge in the land of waves where Naruto had saved your life, but a large snake was more or less that.

"Yeah, and I never pictured falling in love with the most amazing man in the world" Naruto sure knew how to say just what you wanted to hear. "So?"

"Marry us you old toad man!" you grabbed Naruto's outstretched hand as he pulled you in.

"It's a good thing I got ordained" Jiraya reached into his pockets and pulled out some papers. "Let's see here, do you Naruto."

"I do!"

"Ok, do you Haku."

"Yes!"

"You two know there's usually a whole ceremony to this right?"

"Shut up and marry us!" you yell in unison with Naruto, brimming with excitement.

"Fine, fine. I hereby, with the power granted to me by the toads and the village of Konoha, pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the groom."

"Finally!" you exclaimed very excitedly as Naruto pulled you in for the kiss.

It was, somehow, more than what you could have ever wanted. Whatever the hell comes next, be it tomorrow, or in some years to come, you'll be ready.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Holy fuck this took a lot longer than expected. I wasn't gonna write like 60% of it, but then decided since it's the big wrap up, that fuck it I'm writing it all. Thank you! For reading the stories! Also Sorry about any and all grammar/spelling errors! I'm tired and busy!

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It had been a very long, and very rough, few years. After the Haku retrieval mission the Akatsuki took a break from their attacks on Naruto; a welcome reprieve from the stream of utter bullshit they represented. This allowed for a good deal of training to happen as well as, and more importantly, a lot of personal growth. It was thanks to the latter of those things that Naruto was able to currently be away for training without Haku causing a massive uproar in the village.

The most recent incident, an attempted coup from some absolute weirdo, had the village on edge. Sasuke in particular had been thrown off kilter by it, as more and more things came to light it was only fair. He'd confided to the people he was closest with his intentions to bring the remaining secrets to light, a plan that caused his friends to worry for his life. A confrontation head on with the Third Hokage, even with his current age, was sure to be dangerous after all.

Sakura had grown, frighteningly, strong. Initially she'd apprenticed under Tsunade, with intentions to both gain medical knowledge and more strength. During the second month of this she apparently found the medical jutsu boring and unimportant to learn, instead she only focused on increasing her strength. Partially as a joke, and then due to her regular training team, she received the title of "Konoha's Furious Pink Beast." She currently holds the record for having punched Naruto out of his four-tail cloak, and into a minor coma.

Kakashi…. No one was really sure what Kakashi did. A lot of people had expected him to return to ANBU after his genin team had all been promoted. To the surprise of all those people, he instead had seemingly retired from active duty. With the rare mission to aid Naruto, Sakura or Sasuke being exceptions he spent most of his time in the village. There are a number of reports of someone matching his description attending cooking classes, along with a large number of therapy sessions.

Hinata had accidentally blasted out of her shell after Team Seven came back from the Land of Waves; and if all her actions following that initial shell shattering were any sign, she'd found her confidence. After becoming the "technical" Yuki clan leader she focused on reform within the Hyuuga family. It helped that most of the Branch family members realized they could, with the current clan leader's permission, join the Yuki clan. Thanks to Hiashi's jail time, the title fell onto Hanabi, who didn't seem to give a shit about all the clan stuff. Without any real power left, the Main branch sort of collapsed on itself. With Hinata and Neji leading the reform it was easy to abolish the branches entirely. With all her efforts on that front it was incredible she'd managed to find time to visit Sunagakure as often as she did.

Gaara. No one is sure how it happened. No is sure why it happened. Yet, somehow, Gaara had become the Kazekage. His time away from the village had done wonders on his psyche; apparently once he was no longer just killing everyone left and right he was fit to be a leader? Naruto wouldn't say it to his face, but he was so pissed about it. Incredibly proud, but also so goddamn pissed. There was good word that Gaara had also developed quite the green thumb, as well as bringing incredibly comprehensive sex education to Sunagakure. What a guy.

There are some other characters who did things, I'm sure of it. I also don't care since they aren't main characters or main character adjacent, or I just don't like them. Sue me.

Naruto had trained almost tirelessly for most of the time. It was, for that reason, very impressive that his repertoire had barely grown at all. Not counting any move that was just the Rasengan but bigger or smaller, he'd literally only learned one new technique. To be fair to him, he could also stop time, something that let him beat the ass of the apparently immortal Madara Uchiha. To the credit of everyone else who'd spent time training, not you Sasuke, everyone else had learned more than one new move. Even Hinata had managed to learn a new move, in fact she'd learned several new moves. Fuck even Rock Lee, someone who couldn't use ninjutsu, had fucking learned more than one new move. He'd somehow defied all odds and learned two new moves. While it was asinine that he'd only learned one new move. It was admittedly a really good move.

As for Haku. He'd had better days.

"As far as people who've come here to try and kill my boyfriend" Haku was staring down one of the Akatsuki again, admittedly one of the more attractive members of the group at least. "You've really taken the cake on reinventing the wheel for blowing up my house."

"If you surrender the information on Naruto, I will leave peacefully" this orange haired twink was attempting to pull that card.

"That ship sailed when you BLEW UP MY HOUSE" Hakue was sick of these assholes showing up and doing that, the insurance company strictly didn't cover this! "So you get all of five seconds, before I deliver onto you an ass kicking of MYTHIC proportions."

"You? What are you in the face of a god?"

"I'M THE WORLD'S MOST PISSED OFF HOUSE HUSBAND IS WHAT I FUCKING AM" Haku wasted no time summoning up some of his ice mirrors around this twink.

Stepping into a mirror Haku prepared to obliterate him. He did not prepare for this twink to have literal god powers though. Luckily Haku could move out of the mirrors before the twenty infront got obliterated. Just once, if for exactly one time the people coming after Naruto could be normal, that would be awesome.

"You're cheap tricks are nothing before me" and of course he's gonna say some weird shit like this.

"Let me guess, you're in a league all of your own, that I could never hope to reach" he could make a damn bingo card from some of the bullshit he'd heard.

"... Yes."

"Uh huh, and I bet you're grand plan will really justify all the evil things you've done. Since I'm sure it'll bring about, what, world peace? Ever lasting life? Unlimited breadsticks? Stop me when I guess it."

"It was… World Peace…"

"You know what also could bring about world peace? NOT FUCKING ATTACKING PEOPLE."

"This is the only path to my goal."

"Really, only one? Did some tragic event cause you to lose all faith in people?"

"N-no"

"Let me guess. You're best friend died?"

"..."

"Yup that's it, and while I'm here taking wild guesses, no parents either?"

"Maybe."

"Some kind of horrible tragic death? Double points if they died saving you, quadruple if you had to kill them to save yourself."

"... Only double."

"Geez, that's rough."

"Thank you."

"If we all survive your whole attacking my home thing, I do therapy sessions."

"Yes I've heard from one of your other customers."

"Right Tobi is in your whole little gang, he's really made big strides I think."

"I can see what he meant about you now."

"Oh? What exactly did he say about me."

"You're quite nice, it's going to be an awful shame when I have to kill you" well some much for talking through this.

"Any chance you can not do that?" Haku knew it was always worth trying.

"Sadly, it can't be avoided."

With another extension of his hand, this guy blasted away another group of mirrors. Haku had hopped back out onto the actual ground again. This guy was without a doubt too strong for him to deal with. Of course this was the weekend Naruto was off on some frog retreat.

"Look, I have one big move, so I'm gonna just hit you with it" Haku had tried his best to perfect this technique after Naruto created it, but it was damn complicated.

"An odd thing to tell me, your opponent" he had no damn idea what was about to hit him.

"Oh you can try to stop it, but this is an Uzumaki family special technique. It has a mortality rate of one hundred percent."

"Given all living members of the Uzumaki clan, I find that impossible to believe."

"Not the clan, the family, as in me, and my husband; and depending on the day Hinata but that's neither here nor there."

"And what exactly is this special family technique you're going to use then?"

"Well, to really explain it I have a question of my own. What do you know about Topology?"

"What?"

"Thought so" thankfully the mathematic education level of the world was still low. "The long and short of it is this, I'm going to push, pull, and expand the holes on your body without removing any of them."

"You're going to what?" this Pein guy didn't stand a chance.

"Topology no jutsu!" forming a circle with his hands, Haku focused his chakra at Pein.

"Of course, an idiots far-" his voice cut off as Haku pinched his throat in, squeezing it as small as possible without closing it.

"I'll admit, it was created by an idiot" Haku slowly approached him as he continued channeling chakra. "It also is incredibly effective."

Next Haku began shrinking his eye sockets, lowering his effective vision range. Sadly he was no expert at dealing with chakra circulation and points so he couldn't shrink those to prevent chakra flow. Shrinking the ear holes to cut off hearing? An easy task.

"I'll speak up so you can hear me" Haku was in the process of obliterating this twink. "I'm the top twink here, and your stupid piercings are tacky as hell."

Now that he was close enough, Haku began closing the holes of the piercings. This process caused them to pop out of Pein. Once the piercings were out of him, Peins body fell limp.

"Huh, weird."

"I seem to have underestimated you" Peins voice now came from some new orange haired twink.

"And I seem to be surrounded by twinks and one, kind of ugly guy" Haku did not have great odds here.

"You pose a greater than anticipated risk" now all the orange haired people were speaking in unison.

"Well, as far as ways to die go, this one fucking sucks" as far as last words go, Haku had sure picked them.

Having already used his incredible stalling ability, and not having the time to perform another Topology attack, Haku was boned. He dodged out of the way of a giant centipede only to get blasted by a, a literal ballistic missile. The explosion threw him into a tree, the impact surely cracking some ribs. Mustering some strength he tried to launch ice spears at the summoner, only for a different one to absorb the attack.

"You assholes really take the whole, bullshit stupid as hell powers, to another level" Haku now had blood in his mouth as he stood with his back against the tree.

"Your death is as meaningless as it is your own doing" one of them approached him, grabbing Haku by the throat.

"I know I've got a concussion, but can you see this giant head thing?" he really didn't love that.

"The King of Hell can tell truth from lies, now answer me this" he held Haku up against the tree. "Where is Naruto?"

"If I had to guess, on his way here to kick your ass" Haku sure hoped so at least.

After his reply the giant heads mouth opened up, and a long arm like thing extended towards him. It pried his mouth open and grabbed onto his tongue. It started to pull, and as it did his tongue grew longer. His final thought as it ripped this massive tongue out?

'Fuck my tongue is long.'

The Pein Path dropped his now lifeless body to the ground. With Haku dealt with, most of the Paths returned to attacking Konoha, with the Human path staying to restore the receivers to the Deva path.

As Haku passed onto to the afterlife, the sad realization of what his death meant set in. Naruto was not on his way there. He died without being able to tell anyone about the receivers; and worst of all. He died alone.

The battle for Konoha would rage on until Naruto's fateful return. Pein killed countless others in his search for any information on Narutos whereabouts. In the wake of his most destructive attack, Naruto returns.

"You sure took your time Naruto" Sasuke did his best to rag on Naruto, but even with his new Susanoo Pein had nearly killed him.

"He did all this" Naruto had taken a quick survey of what was once Konoha before snapping his attention to the Deva path.

"I hate to say this Naruto, but run" Sakura had been lucky enough to survive this long thanks to the Creation Rebirth.

"No, I'm going to beat this guy to death, and then I'm going to rip open hell and continue kicking his ass" Naruto could feel his blood boil as he looked at Pein.

"If you're plan is to play at being a hero, you're too late" as the Deva path approached him, the other paths fell into a formation around it. "Those two are all that remain of this pathetic village."

"Sasuke."

"It's, it's true Naruto. I found him in the wreckage of your house."

"Gamakichi, get them far away from here" Naruto closed his eyes and took a deep breath, opening them again with a bar pupil.

"Naruto don't be insane! He'll kill you" Sasuke couldn't let his best friend walk into certain death like this.

"Come on" Gamakichi picked Sasuke and Sakura up and began retreating.

"Sakura tell him he can't do this!"

"Sasuke, it's too late for that. He won't go back on his word, especially now."

The two watched, terrified and unable to do anything to help. Naruto was in a dark place for the first time in his life, one that Sasuke had been consumed by before. He didn't care about living through this fight, for the first time in his life Naruto was fighting with nothing to lose.

The Animal path summoned a giant ox and rhino to charge at him. Forming a Rasengan in either hand, Naruto vanished from sight. With this insane speed he destroyed the two summons. Emerging from the massive smoke cloud they left behind, hundreds of Narutos flew through the air.

"Your struggle is meaningless" the Deva path blasted the clones with a wave of force, destroying them.

"Fuck you" Naruto erupted from the ground underneath the Deva path, sending it flying skyward with a viscous uppercut.

The other Paths turned to converge on him, only for more Narutos to burst forth from the ground. They clones didn't hit them so much as fly into them, with the goal of knocking all the Peins into the air. The Deva path was the first to see why; acting on its vision the Animal path quickly summoned a giant crustacean. The summon was grabbed and pulled into the blade of Gamabunta.

"They share vision, you'll have to be more sly for an attack like that" Fukasaku stood beside the real Naruto, preparing to summon back a clone to refill his chakra.

"One can shoot those blasts, and one can summon, what about the other four" Naruto watched as the six of them returned to the earth.

"One can absorb chakra, so you'll have to take care of it" Shima looked them over. "That one! With the hair gelled down!"

Naruto nodded and rushed the group. The Asura path flew out to meet him head on, only to be handily crushed thanks to his sage strength. He created a Rasengan to bait out the path Shima warned him of, aiming for the Deva path. Like he expected, a different path intercepted him, and consumed the Rasengan with some aura.

"Let's try this then" Naruto engaged it with a flurry of attacks.

The Preta path easily dodge his strikes, being able to see them coming through the other paths. Naruto spun low sweeping at its legs, forcing the path to jump. He then flipped forward to bring an axe kick down onto the path, using the Toad Kumite to try and catch it.

"Your struggle is path-" the path was interrupted as the Kumite attack landed, smashing it into the ground.

"You really wanna trash talk me, after I've kicked a third of your asses?" Naruto rolled his shoulders as he stared down the remaining path.

The Deva path narrowed its eyes at him as the Animal path summoned a large many headed dog that sprung forward towards Naruto. With a massive leap backwards, Naruto avoided its initial lunge. Summoning two clones, he began preparing his newest technique, casting a glance to Gamabunta as the dog approached.

"I got it kid" the toad boss sprung forward, slicing the dog in twain.

Following the trail of Gamabunta, Naruto flung his Rasenshuriken through the dust cloud he'd kicked up. One of the other two paths jumped in front of the Animal path to protect it, being destroyed in the process.

"I'm at a solid fifty percent now, but I'm really looking for the A" Naruto liked his odds, even if he didn't know the third bodies abilities.

"Uh kid, we've got a problem" Gamabunta was, of course, referring to the now two many headed dogs.

"You won't be able to defeat the dog summon normally, it is quite powerful" Pein gloated over the strength of his summon.

"Wonder if killing you gets rid of it" Naruto liked his odds, less now, but had a plan.

Making a clone to discreetly speak with Gamabunta, Naruto went after the remaining paths. Gamabunta and the two other toads did their best to handle the dogs. Throwing smoke bombs at the paths Naruto made more clones. Each one went after a different path, engaging it in hand to hand combat as a distraction.

"READY KID" Gamabunta flung a dog to the side, moving into position.

"READY" suddenly two extra Naruto burst from the ground again, grabbing hold of the Animal path. "YEET."

In the blink of an eye Gamabunta bit forward, trapping the Animal path and some Naruto clones in his mouth. After a few moments the dog summons popped, and Gamabuta spit up the Animal paths body.

"For an idiot, you're strong" Pein hadn't suffered loses this great before.

"You haven't seen anything yet" the last clone was brought back to refill his sage chakra.

"GOT HIM" Gamabunta quickly brought his blade down onto the Deva path.

"Shinra Tensei" the Deva path blasted Gamabunta away in the nick of time.

"Rasenshuriken!" Naruto used this distraction to launch another attack, aiming to take care of this once and for all.

Intercepting his attack, was the Preta path? It devoured the Rasenshuriken harmlessly.

"What. The. Fuck."

"The Naraka path can use the King of Hell to restore our bodies" Pein gloated once again.

"Oh, well, that's stupid."

"How can you of all people call an ability stupid?"

"What's that supposed to mean huh?"

"Oh, just something that rhymes with, lime pop."

It took Naruto a few moments.

"Oh right. I can stop time. Thanks."

Due to his time at Mount Myōboku, Naruto had forgotten about one of his three main abilities. He quickly activated it. Wasting no time he destroyed the Naraka path with a swift kick to the head.

"See, that's utter bullshit" Pein clearly had some issues with this move.

"You blew up my village, by yourself. I do not want to hear it."

"Oh you'll hear, for as long as it takes before it sticks."

"Before what fucking sticks?"

"The Preta path, to you" as the Deva path said this, Naruto was put into a headlock by the Preta path.

"Well shit" it began draining him of chakra at a rapid pace.

"You're all to easy to manipulate, while sacrificing my Naraka path is not ideal, it's worth it to capture you" the Deva path produced a black rod.

"Oh yeah? At least I'm not the dumbest guy here with you around."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, cause unlike you, I know what happens if you take in sage chakra incorrectly" the Preta path turned to stone behind him.

"Ah."

"Yes. Ah."

Naruto was very unsteady on his feet after that sneak attack, but a little boost of fox chakra could fix that. He let the one tail cloak cover his body as he approached Pein.

"Now, I'm going to beat you, so, so badly" he cracked his knuckles excitedly.

"No you won't" Pein held the rod out, right at Naruto. "Banshō Ten'in."

Naruto flew forward, right into the rod. The impact of hitting it forced the breathe out of him, and the rod in his lung made it very hard to breathe now.

"Don't worry, you'll be reunited soon enough" Pein produced more rods and speared Naruto to the ground.

Naruto gasped in agony, he couldn't move and he could barely breathe. The rods prevented his healing factor from kicking in, this was actually going to be the end for him huh.

'I'm, I'm so sorry everyone, I failed' Naruto saw the steam from his tears as the cloak evaporated them.

" **Kid, we can still win. I need you to trust me though."**

'I'm all ears big guy' if there was still a chance, he had to take it.

" **More of my chakra is going to be coming your way, it's going to hurt. You can survive it, but you have to focus. You need to stay in control, even if it's just a little."**

'I can. Do it.'

Pein had rambled on and on about, well something. A whole speech about hatred and peace, some gloating was mixed in as well. That stopped as Naruto became a pillar of red chakra.

"A last ditch effort huh, I admire your resolve" Pein prepared for the last leg of this battle.

" **Focus, on anything you can, you have to stay yourself Naruto."**

The pillar dispersed, and Naruto stood there. His eyes were the crimson red they'd turned countless times before, but the cloak was different. It wasn't the visage of the fox, though the six waving tails were still visible. No, instead what formed out of the chakra was the visage of Haku, hovering behind him with its arms wrapped around Naruto.

" **I'm. Going. To. Kill. You."**

"We'll see, show me how powerful your hatred is" Pein looked unfazed by this.

Naruto blasted forward, crashing into the side of the massive crater they'd been fighting inside of. He'd have to get used to this spike in his strength. As the dust cleared he let out a frustrated grunt, he had not smashed Pein into the wall with him.

"Speed like that certainly would pose a problem for a lesser foe" he'd somehow managed to side step at the last second.

With a snarl Naruto sprung at him once more, another near miss. Pein didn't let him get away with this slip up again though, and blasted him away. Naruto flew towards the forest at the outskirts of the village, and Pein was in hot pursuit.

" **ARGH** " with an explosion of red chakra Naruto destroyed the debris he'd been buried by.

Pein attempted to spear him with more of his black rods, raining them down from the air. The chakra Haku raised one hand and swatted them out of the air with a massive chakra claw. Naruto held out his right hand with his palm up, the Haku moved its right hand above his. In between the two hands a Biju ball began to form.

" **Let's see you dodge this one asshole** " the two hands met, crushing the ball between them, Naruto then flung hundreds of smaller one at Pein.

To his credit, Pein managed to dodge a lot of them. Unfortunately Narutos Biju buckshot had a huge spread. The effects of the mini-balls was nowhere near as destructive as a full scale ball, but it was enough to distract Pein. Capitalizing on the opening, Naruto leap into him again, one of Hakus chakra arms grabbed him by the cloak. Naruto used his actual arms to repeatedly punch the living hell out of him. Finishing his barrage off, Naruto threw him further from the village.

" **Keep your head on, he's not done yet."**

Naruto took some deep breaths, doing his best to follow the Kyuubis advice. Once he was fully in control again he began to follow after Pein, it was time to end this.

" **Is the ground floating?** "

Naruto had in fact observed that correctly. He started hopping from floating piece to floating piece. Something, probably Pein, was causing chunks of ground to levitate towards this central point in the air.

"Resistance is meaningless ninetails" of course it was Pein.

Naruto leapt forward, only to be crushed between two rocks. He blasted them away only for more to smash into him. Peins Chinaku Tensei had caught him in its pull and he couldn't escape it.

" **Dammit dammit dammit** " Naruto was sick of this bullshit, he was beyond his limits and he still couldn't win.

'Damn, I didn't know I married a quitter' in what was the world's most welcome shock, Hakus voice pierced his thoughts.

" **Haku, not to sound insensitive, but this guy literally killed you!** "

'I mean yeah he did do that true, but you're my goddamn husband! Ignoring how you very rudely were not here to stop him from killing me, WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU KICKED HIS ASS YET, HE FUCKING KILLED ME!'

" **Babe I was kind of in the middle of that, BEFORE HE TURNED ME INTO A FUCKING MOON** " Naruto looked down, well, kind of, he couldn't actually move, or see. "I'm, I'm so sorry. If I had got this stupid sage shit down faster I could've come back in time. I, I'm the reason you're dead."

'Dammit babe no you're not, sure you weren't there. Which super sucked, like it really blows dying all alone not gonna lie, but it's not your fault! It's that assholes fault! He fucking killed me! So I need you to put away your sad boy pants, and put on the super strong guy pants.'

"But, I haven't done laundry yet so they kinda smell."

'Then perish.'

Even if it was all in his head, hearing Hakus voice brought a smile to Narutos face. Taking a deep breath he steeled his resolve, it was all or nothing on this next part.

'That's the loveable goofball I married.'

All was quiet on the outside of the sphere; Pein was preparing for extracting the ninetails, the toads watched from afar, the world waited for what would happen next.

" **Ready kid?"**

"Hit me big guy."

The sphere exploded as red chakra poured out of it. Then, a moment later, it vanished. Naruto and the Kyuubi had coordinated it perfectly. Enough power to blow their prison open, and controlled well enough it only last a moment.

"Now then, back to your ass meeting my foot" Naruto turned his sage eyes to Pein as he descended.

"It can never be easy with you can it" Pein was sick of him.

As the piece of debris Naruto rode to the earth made contact, he rushed towards Pein. He created thirty shadow clones to help in his charge, he had a plan, and it was questionable at best.

"A pitiful final attempt" Pein leveled his arm at them. "Shinra Tensei."

The attack blasted them back, popping a good number of the clones in the process. The surviving ones set the plan into motion. Powered up with Sage chakra the flung the real Naruto forward, passing him down their haphazard chain from where they'd landed. Naruto once more rocketed towards Pein, who's eyes could only stare in horror. The two collided, in what would be remembered as the most powerful headbutt the world had ever seen.

"Fuck" Naruto had landed ontop of Pein, and started swinging away at him. "You."

Either the headbutt did it, or one of the punched following it, but the last body of Pein was no longer moving. He'd successfully kicked all six asses.

"Alright, I can't sage sense anyone, so you think we're good?"

" **I'll bet good money there's one more body."**

"You're on" Naruto, not sure how to go about tracking him, stabbed himself with one of Peins rods, which somehow worked. "Well, you win this one you foxy bastard."

" **Nice, one soul please."**

"Sorry I'm all out of those idiot" Naruto set off towards the real last body.

After some quick toad sage jumping Naruto ended up in front of a big tree. His sensor had told him this was the right place. Again not too sure what to do, he walked into it, which again, somehow worked.

"So you're the real body" Naruto was now face to face with Nagato, having tracked him here.

"Yes, I am the-" Nagato tried to go into some long winded explanation.

"Hm, no" Naruto cut him off very quickly. "I'm only here to continue beating your ass. I will not stop beating your ass until literally both of us are dead. Then I will beat your ass in the next life as well. So make your peace with who ever on the double."

Nagato was caught incredibly off guard by this, and was fairly intimidated by the knuckle cracking coming from Naruto. He'd just lost all of his Paths, and Naruto was literally right here.

"Actually I've had a change of heart."

"Oh you'll need one of those alright, once I'm down with you you'll be needing a change of most organs."

"No no, I'm a good guy now I swear."

"It's sort of too late for that chief."

"What if I, uh, could bring everyone back to life?"

"That would be a really good start to you joining team good guy yeah."

"Ok, but doing so kills me so is it truly worth it? How can anyone truly weigh the value on any life?"

"I'll put it like this, you either do this without me convincing you to do so, or I beat you over the head till you do it."

"Now that I think about it, I've had a good run so far. Might as well quit while I'm ahead."

"Yeah I agree, now make with the reviving everyone."

Pein performed his Samsara of Heavenly Lift technique, having the King of Hell return the souls of everyone who died today. All throughout the ruins of Konoha life returned to the victims of Pein. Naruto didn't even stay to hear whatever Nagato was going to say during this whole dramatic scene, he had somewhere to be.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY TONGUE" Haku, now very much less dead, sprung to his feet, one had forming ice senbon and the other guarding his mouth.

It took him a few moments to process where he was, which wasn't actually too hard to figure out. The big hurdle to step over mentally was the whole coming back to life. Carefully, he pricked one of his fingers, staring at the small drops of blood that leaked out. Literal moments ago he'd been speaking with his mothers, birth and in-law, and now he was just back? The lack of destroyed bones also was weird, not bad, but considering the ass kicking he'd received it was unexpected.

"Well, this is a good thing probably."

The lifetime of ninja training Haku had gone through let him easily detect something rushing directly at him. It helped that whatever it was did not seem to care about being stealthy. He got ready to run away in case that twink was coming back for round three. It felt like the whole world slowed down, his recently reanimated heart beat faster. It was gonna be here soon, all he could do was brace.

"HAKU" Naruto, from about a hundred feet away, leapt at his husband, tackling him and sending them both tumbling across the ground.

"NARUTO?" Haku had not expected this, and he was definitely not prepared for this high velocity hug.

"HAKU!"

"NARUTO!"

"HAKU!"

"NARUTO!"

"HAK-"

" **SHUT THE FUCK UP."**

"Ahem" Naruto composed himself as the two stopped rolling around. "How are things with you?"

"Oh you know, our house got destroyed again, I died, met your mom, nice lady, same old same old. How was the frog mountain?"

"Oh it sucked I almost turned into a toad statue like twelve times, but it helped me beat the fuck out of some twinks so it as worth it."

"God that's music to my ears, you better keep up your muscle density I cannot be married to a twink after all the shit I went through today."

"Am I a twink?"

"No babe you're a twunk, but like, just barely."

"I… Wow, I thought I was a hunk."

"Oh it's alright, I still love you, even if you're twink leaning. Seeing into the great beyond has opened up my heart and mind."

Naruto didn't want to make anymore jokes about the love of his life having been killed while he was gone. If mind ghost Haku hadn't already had this talk with him Naruto would be blaming himself so much right now.

"Come on, let's go see everyone before you blow a fuse thinking about whatever" Haku pulled himself back to his feet and dusted himself off. "I'm sure the people are desperate to see their big hero."

"I think the people can wait a little longer, I almost forgot to do something very important" Naruto hopped up to his feet and grabbed Hakus hand.

"And what, pray tell, could that be?"

Naruto answered in the most self explanatory way he could. He pulled Haku in close and kissed him. Haku wrapped his arms around Narutos neck, bringing himself closer as he deepened the kiss. It had been, technically, a life time since they'd gotten to do this. Naruto was going to make sure they'd have a chance to do this everyday, even if he had to beat down whatever random asshole popped up next tomorrow. These were the moments that made the fighting worth it, so he could take this moment and cherish being alive and being in love.


End file.
